theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
