Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
