I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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