EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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