never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
