i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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