my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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