Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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