Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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