Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
