Whod you bang
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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