this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
