I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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