When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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