just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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