Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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