he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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