Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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