I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
