tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
