She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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