Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
