I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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