Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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