May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
