I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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