We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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