I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
