It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
