so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
