I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
