next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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