My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
