every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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