I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
