break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize