I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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