Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
