thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
