It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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