I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
