I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
