Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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