Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
