Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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