just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
