i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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