i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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