My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
we're so committed to being not committed
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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