the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
