It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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