Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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