I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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