Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i drank out of a bidet.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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