Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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