I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
