well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
