I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
