I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
