I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
